Thursday 16 May 2013

Reasons, Answers & Explanations

It's not hard to see that I've been quite AWOL from Unique Young Mum, I've still been here, every night I sit on the laptop and go to my homepage, I read old post and giggle and smile away to myself. I have not ran out of post, I have plenty, there's over 20 in the draft section alone, that's not including the draft's I've wrote on my phone on the way home from the school run, the endless word and notepad document's, my writing mojo has not gone, so what's going on!? I wish I knew myself, I wish I could turn inside out, I wish I knew what was going on inside my head, only he upstair's knows the answer. 

I started this blog in August 2012 with an idea, that idea still exist, the plan of action still somewhere in the midst of things, not loss, just not having a place to settle. Friends and family know me, everyone need's someone they can confide in, but not even half of them know whats been going on themselves  because I don't know what's going on. I don't mean to do it, but I'm closing up again, I'm pushing people away and distancing myself. I feel like I need a break from everything, I just wish I could whisk me and Spud away to Disney Land, a place all about Disney, a passion me and Spud share.

Spud is my life, I hear him snoring now whilst I stare at this screen and type, this post is seemingly filling up, so why last night was I sat here for minutes and hour's wracking my brains with idea's on what to type!? I could write about Spud all day long, but he's my life, and as much as I love showing off his beautiful little face, I can't share everything with the world. Call me selfish but I raised him, I still continue too, I will forever be there for him, in any way possible, I'll be there for my beautiful perfect Prince. I want to shout from roof tops sometimes, tell everyone how proud I am and tell you all of another one of our adventure's, but he's mine, he's not his Dad's, where has he been for the last 7 years!? Nowhere near Spud. What's he done in the last 7 years!? Nothing to shout about. 

I don't hate my baby father, I was brought up knowing hate was a very strong word, it would take a lot for me to hate someone, dislike on the other hand is something I can say. I see Spud's sperm donor in town yesterday, on a girly breakfast date with my cousin, I noticed him coming towards us, he asked how his son was, a father shouldn't ask a father should know. I really hate it (I do say hate, but I won't say I hate someone) when people presume he's the love of my life because I had a child with him. You couldn't be any more wrong, looking back now, I never did love him. My first love was my ex, the one who made me confident about myself, the one who praised me, respected me, valued me and loved me back. I'm scared for the next time, I've been in two relationships, I'm scared I'll once more have to say my ex, I'm not saying I want a forever because I don't know what the future holds. It would be nice to feel cherished, respected, complemented, valued and loved by a man once more.

At night times, I get lonely, I sometimes get scared (if a terrorist should appear from no where - a spider), I want to watch a scary DVD, but I'm too scared of that, I want to share laughter with someone, I want a cuddle, a kiss, I want someone to share my secrets with, someone I can share my happiness with, love with and so much more. I know I'm a nice person, but I wonder if I'm too nice when it comes to relationships, I don't want a guide book, I don't need one, but I've had two unsuccessful relationship's, so I've done something wrong haven't I!? I must of done something to be cheated on, lied too and fell out of love with, it must be me I tell myself constantly. I'm at the biggest I've been in my life, I was smaller then, I thought I looked okay, I've never liked my teeth, but I question myself, was it my size? My teeth? What was it about me!? How has this post turned soppy!? These word's can't stop, but for so long I've not known what to write about, isn't it weird how the mind works.

In a week there's 7 days, 168 hours and a million ways, every days different and we never know when our lives will change. I take it day by day, I don't even like planning nights with my girls as I believed the unplanned night's are the best ones. The future is anytime from now, one minute ago was the past, one minute away is the future. Next week is part of the future I'm not too keen on approaching. I have been poorly/ill well no actually, I just keep feeling funny, it's not all the time, but it is becoming a part of my daily routine. It's not at a particular time, and not after a particular movement. My blood pressure keep's dropping and I become lightheaded leading me to feel faint, thankfully I know the feeling of fainting after having experienced the unpleasant feeling a few times, so I know what to do, but it's not always preventable. It's back to the doctor's next week for me, more test are needed the receptionist informed me when I called on Monday for my blood test results, did she mean more blood test or other test? Panic entered my mind whilst the receptionist booked me in for the next available appointment with the doctor who's been dealing with me. Anxiously I wait, I hope we can find a reason, I hope I get answers and finally an explanation. I'm thinking as positively as I can, I'm keeping my chin up and my head even higher. The future's bright isn't it!?

I am slowly coming back onto the blogging scene, I've had a break from it all, de-stressed and realised how much the blogging community mean's to me! I miss my blogging cyber friends and the never ending support these lovely ladies have.

Jada xx


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