Wednesday 29 May 2013

I'm Alone With My Thoughts

For the first time in 3 and a half years, I finally thought I could move on, I thought I could finally enter that whole process and stage again, taking one step at a slower then normal time, today I've realised I've took 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Don't you just hate that, you feel like your getting somewhere, then bam, the rubbish hits the fan.

I'm fully aware my post have been abit more emotional for the last few times I've blogger, I'm more then fully aware. It seems as though I'm going through what some would call a rough patch in my life. I've had two pieces of information thrown at me in the last week, two things I didn't want to hear, two things I never wanted to hear, not now, not off these two different people, one personal in more ways then the other, but the other personal in a other personal manner.

My brain is confusing me, one shoulder I have a little person screaming at me, telling me to relax, telling me to not give up, to give up on this one, move on, find something else to occupy my mind. On the other I have another little person screaming at me, telling me to not listen to the person on the left hand side, telling me to feel down, feel emotional, feel as though I'm back at square one, how I'll never be happy.

I had arranged on Saturday night to meet up with a friend, someone who has only been in my life since I was 16, but someone who I could never imagine life without now. She is amazing, I cursed her on Saturday, I called her names to myself which I now hate myself for. I'm not one to judge me, but every bad word possible come out of my mouth, out of my mind at least. I told her all week I really needed a drink, a good time on Saturday, and she 'flopped'. I told her the issue tonight, she sat on the phone using her minutes, listening to me for 25 minutes without her getting a word in edge way, I love this girl. Its all I wanted, I needed to tell someone, a friend, a special friend. Tonight she listened, and she listened properly. I appreciate it, she knows I'm always there for her, I've always been the strong one me, always there for everyone else, but just recently, I've needed someone to talk to, a figure of speech a 'shoulder' to cry on.

You see, you can't just open up and share your feelings and personal life with anyone can you? When the serious problems hit the fan, you just can't. You may be able to share with the world some exciting news, and some devastating news, but what about the news that doesn't quite fit either of them categories? Indeed not the exciting one by all means. I'm so glad Spud's on half term, I love my boy, everyone loves their children of course, but for me, he is the only one. Of course I love my family, but I'm not with them every day, all day, I don't have a partner to share my love with, all my love, forever goes to Spud, but it would be nice to share my heart with another adult, those deepest secrets, those problems, those funny memories that will never leave your memory, it would be nice to have someone listen, someone who can be a real shoulder to cry on, and someone who can move your hair to the side, kiss your forehead and tell you everythings going to be alright.

Spud's been in my bed for the lights (Monday night and tonight), I stare at his beautiful perfect little face, knowing it will stay beautiful and perfect forever and wishing it would stay little forever. I wish Spud didn't have to grow up, everyone hits rubbish in their lives at some points, every adult has their fair share. I wish I could keep Spud a child forever, going about his daily business of interacting with his imaginary friends, playing with his toys and giggling away at the most un-funniest of things, just because he's a child and he can.

No matter what, I knowledge there is always someone out there who's in a worse situation then myself. I appreciate everything I've got, everything I've had, and everything I'll have (too an extent). I'm extremely grateful to be blessed with a perfect little boy, who I know is the only person I'll ever need in my life. I'm thankful for 'family and friends' understanding and knowing some other's don't have that. I'm graceful to know I have money, not money to splash, but money to see us through, money for food, gas, electric, water, our home and our tv's (because I couldn't miss Hollyoaks and Eastenders). I appreciate it all, all of what I've mentioned and so much more.

I leave you with a favourite quote of mine ''every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better'' a phrase from today I shall believe in, because to keep oneself sane, sometimes, just sometimes we really do have too. This is life, a game, a set plan, who know's, we are simply just individual's living as we do.

Until next time,


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