Wednesday 27 April 2016

Life's Dramas - I Need a Break!

Recently a lot has been getting me down, but when I sit down and think of everything I've been doing, I can't say it's any surprise.

I'm not superwoman - who is!? She's a fictional character! Although I know there's loads of superwoman's and superman's out there, I think everyone is entitled to a break - superheroes included!

I'm engaged - but I hardly feel it sometimes, it's not as though I have time to spend with Gareth, not as much as the both of us would like. Being a full time single mum means I'm not free often, plus I work, part time technically, part time is what I get paid for, but the hours spent unpaid is more than just a few.

People see a blogger's life and they think we have it easy, they think we just sit at home all day answering the door to couriers dropping off parcels.

They think we can have time off work because we're our own bosses, they think we can spend hours on the phone chatting away, and have people round our homes for hours on end.

Yesterday I turned 26, not that birthday's are fun at my age and with my tired, worn out state, but the day got off to a good start. Gareth's mum come round and spent a few hours with me, it was the first time we'd been alone together as Gareth is usually with her, or I visit them at their house, I was quite nervous even though I've been with Gareth for over a year, but I literally had nothing to worry about, it was really nice.

My sister had popped in prior to this just quickly to drop off a card and a present, and once Spud had finished school, my brother Paul had popped in with a card, and my cousin and her baby girl come aroid for a few hours. Gareth and my brother Jamie had planned to come around in the evening, with Jamie treating us all to an Indian.

My dad was going well until I picked Spud up from school.

I didn't notice anything unusual in his behaviour or tone of voice, so was surprised when he asked me if he could move to a different school! I asked Spud why, along with asking him if something had happened today for him to come out and say that, he told me nothing had happened but he really wanted to go to a new school. 

I know my child, I know when he has something to hide, and I knew something was up. 

Not wanting to press on the subject too much around the school surroundings I waited until we got in to ask him more, he soon broke down in tears and told me that a girl - who'm he'd class as his friend had told him she would kill him.

I told Spud that NO ONE will ever hurt him, NEVER EVER!!!

However, he was still extremely worked up, terrified and upset, so I called his school and spoke to his teacher and she'd arranged to have a word with Spud in school today.

Spud is a child who loves spending time in his bedroom playing with his toys, reading and playing his game consoles, however yesterday, he was a completely different child, he followed me everywhere and sat as squashed up to me as he possibly could, he didn't want anything for dinner, but eventually agreed on a pizza when I told him it's important to eat - he had one slice, he didn't want to go to bed when it come to bedtime, he was scared to fall asleep.

Before anyone tells me what this girl said is child's behaviour - let me tell you it's NOT!

My child would never say that to anyone, and I strongly believe children only learn from what they've been brought up around.

Today has consisted of tears - lots of them, from both myself and Spud. He's been sobbing, catching his breath from crying so much telling me how scared he was to go to school - my child is scared for his life, to see him that scared, afraid and upset destroyed me.


I send my son to school for an education, not to be hearing vile threats from dragged up estate children, you know the child who's parents are so lazy, they can't be bothered to take them to school, the child who is never in correct uniform - its most probably a choice of fags or school clothes in homes like that.

Whilst I feel sorry for the child, because she clearly hasn't been brought up properly, I'm angry with her at the same time!

Spud is 10, she's in his year, so she's either nine or 10 years old, she should know BETTER, even though at NO age has my child ever said that to anyone, and I hope he never does!

This morning, so upset and frustrated that I can't deal with the situation the way I would love to, I thought about leaving this rubbish whole that I call home. Leaving the town altogether and getting me and my child miles away from here. My mum said moving to Cornwall was the best thing she ever done.

People say bullying happens everywhere, but having blogger friends who live in small villages, I know it's rare to see, whereas with places like Reading, and especially the part of Reading we live in, it's common. It's so common, too common for my liking!

We live in a disadvantaged area where so many children get free school meals because their parents are on benefits, and without help from charities and various organisations then these families don't get to see the seaside, they don't get holidays, they don't get nice days out and they don't even get a decent dinner - the cheapest chicken nuggets/fish fingers/sausages, chips and beans are most probably common scenes on their dinner tables.

I should add I love sausage chips and beans - I've not had it for a long time!

You get my drift.

I'm no way making out to be the perfect mother, I've had two small benefit stints where I was unable to work mainly due to Spud's health. However, I know to give my child a better life - I have to work for it.

I'm not going to pop out child after child so I can live off benefits for the rest of my life - what kind of life is that?

You're living but are you alive?

Another thing that's really getting me down at the moment also is constantly being asked to look after other children's kids.

I'm not a professional babysitter, child minder or nanny, and I need a break. I don't have my own life, my own social surroundings, if I'm not being a mum, I'm working, I need time with my own family, I even need time alone.

I'm not having a midlife crises or breakdown, but I do fear one could be around the corner if I take on anything else, if I don't get my life back to where I wanted it to be.

I have a house that needs decorating from top to bottom minus the kitchen and lounge, the smell from previous tenants has finally gone, but this isn't my home yet. Sometimes when I'm with someone who drives, I ask them to drive to our old flat - the one me and Spud called home, just so I can stare at the building that didn't bring us much happiness I must admit, but it was home, and it was decorated to how I wanted it.

I've got all the paint, gloss and wallpaper this house needs, but before I can think about decorating I really need to get the walls plastered!

Then there's my weight, and I don't even know where to start on that, I wouldn't even say I've became an elephant, because that's an insult to my favourite animals.

I've got huge though, seriously unhealthy, it's so bad that hardly any of my clothes fit me any more, and yet due to all the stress, I'm comfort eating badly. I wish I was one of those ones who got stressed and didn't eat, because I'm sure by now I'd be a nice size 10-12!

Life is poop at the moment, I just need a break from everything, some time to spend with my family.

Jada x


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