Monday 22 October 2018

Why Do We Doubt Our Parental Decisions?

It's safe to say being a parent is the hardest job in the world, no other job title in the world brings the responsibilities that lay with being a parent, I'm so sure about my statement, that I can guarantee even the Queen and Barak Obama agrees with me. When you're responsible for small humans, everything you do in life should be done with serious thought and consideration, because watching you and your actions - in everything you do and say, are smaller versions of you - your children.

With that being said though, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. I remember vowing to myself when I became pregnant with Spud that I would never swear around him, for I didn't want him to hear such words, I vowed I would never let him watch tv for more than one hour a day, and I vowed if he was ever to eat a Mcdonalds, it wouldn't be until he was at the very least five years old. Did I stick to any of those vows!? Heck no! Nor do I beat myself up about it too much because some things in life can't be planned entirely perfect, and parenting is something we take day by day. 

I've spoken before on the blog about myself being home educated since the age of 11, due to various reasons. I was fortunate enough that although I wasn't taught an education by various teachers like many of my peers but instead by my mum solely, I still passed my exams with flying colours. Home education worked for me, and I loved it, but that doesn't mean that I ever wanted to follow footsteps and home educate my son - for a number of reasons.

Although I try to be a confident strong woman around Spud, I still naturally worry, although not out loud, I battle with my own thoughts about not being the best mum in the world, and I get that it's okay to feel like that, who actually is the best mum in the world? I suppose we all just want the best for our children and knowing we have to be the strong decision-makers for our babies can be scary, daunting even. 

Back in June, I had to make a decision I never imagined facing, that decision was pulling Spud out of school and home educating him, at the very least as a temporary solution. Although I knew 100% without a doubt that the secondary school he attended wasn't right for him, I still worried, panicked and obsessively thought about making the wrong decision. I researched tougher than the FBI and I still wasn't convinced I was doing the right thing - and four months later I'm still not convinced. 

I worry about not being able to teach him like professional teachers can - because.... you know, they've trained to be a teacher in their profession, and truth be told, I only ever really enjoyed History and English, so although I know and understand other subjects, I don't feel like I can teach Spud those subjects properly, with passion if you like, and I get that's okay, and I'm forever thankful for the resources available. Besides, I can't recall any teachers of mine (pre-home education) having a passion for the subjects they taught, in fact, I always got the impression they couldn't wait to get home!

Pushing the educational side of things to the side for a moment, it's not just educational learning you learn at school, is it? It's actually a lot more, you learn to socialise, you learn how to become responsible, you learn timekeeping and much much more, and although a school needn't be the place to learn these things - look at me for example, I do think some children thrive better at school then being home educated and vice versa.

I get that there is a way around everything, there's home education meet up groups, and there are plenty of other ways to socialise with peers, and I can teach responsibility, timekeeping and all the rest. I will continue to try and be the best mother, teacher and friend, but it won't stop me doubting myself, and I get that it's okay to doubt ourselves, human's can be our own worse enemies. 

However, behind all the doubt - when I look at my son now, his character, his personality, his natural day to day self, I know the decision I made was the best decision I made. Four months after pulling him out of school to home educate him and he is my happy son again, he isn't that person he was four plus months ago, who would wake up upset and scared about his day ahead, dreading school. He now has a passion for learning and wakes up happy every morning - just as children should. 

For that, I know I did right. I doubt it'll be the last decision I argue with myself over, but when it comes to your instincts, trust them always!

Until next time,
Jada x