To The One I Hurt

To every single person reading this sentence right now, please know that this post is for one person, as it's my only way of getting this message to that one person, so please do feel free to skip pass this post and not read on any further.

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First of all, I just want to say sorry for blocking you again. You know me so well, you called it from the get go, from my very first message on Snap, you said I'd run and I did. I'm sorry. I know words have no meanings when I continue to do the same thing, but please continue to read the rest of this post, I hope then it makes sense.

I've drafted this post in my head so many times, yet now, as I sit and stare at the screen, I'm wondering on where to start. You said you kept an eye on my blog, yet I didn't think to ask if you was a subscriber haha! I hope you are, or at the least, I hope you see this. For yourself - for answers, for closures, for the truth and my sincerest apologies. 

I want to start by saying how sincerely sorry I am for hurting you. If I could turn back the clock 10 years, believe me, I so very would. It was a few weeks ago when you told me how much I hurt you, and yet I blocked you the same day, you must think my apologies mean nothing, but they do, I'm so very sorry. 

I'm going to break this down bit by bit. One step at a time. The fact I hurt you has played deeply with my emotions over the last few weeks, and at first I thought it was because I was dealing with my own emotions, yet a few weeks on and I'm still so upset, that I hurt you. I can't stop thinking about everything, and how cruel I was.

Have you ever seen that program 'My Name Is Earl'? I hope you have, because I want you to know what I mean when I say 'my name is Jada'.

I messed up massively, I hold my hands up, I should have picked you and I should never ever have said those words I said to you 9+ years ago. I'm sorry, and I genuinely mean that from deep within my heart. However life changes. Please continue reading.

You was there for such a long part of my life, from my teens until my early adulthood. A 'friend' who slowly become 'more'. I say friend because you tried it from day one, well, you made your feelings clear from day one, but you was always so respectful, you respected me in so many ways, but yet it's only now I'm older I see that, I see the guy you was.

I was in a relationship with my son's father when I met you. We were students at Reading College, and this sounds so terrible - but it just shows who I am, but I can't even remember what course you did? I recall you saying you recognised me from around college, and done a bit of stalking to find me on socials haha. That's how it all began. I was with my child's father, unhappy, and you were there, my shoulder to cry on, listening repeatedly as I moaned about my failing relationship with a serial cheat. Yet I was never unfaithful. to him, I knew your feelings towards me, but I was loyal to him and you was so respectful, you never tried it, you always respected me.

Even years later when I broke up with another ex, you again listened to me moan about him, letting me use your other shoulder to cry on, I was a real mess, yet you respected me, never once taking advantage of my mental state at the time. Even when I drunkenly practically threw myself on you, you was so respectful 🥹 The sweetest man.

To hear I strung you along for so long, messing with your emotions and feelings, to hear that I hurt the most genuine kindest man I've ever known, and then to hear from you those last words I said to you nearly 10 years ago - I am so disgusted with myself. I'm so so very sorry  I'm crying now as I write this, because I would be all kinds of emotions if a man ever said something along those lines to me. I'm not saying that you're a liar, but I genuinely find it hard to believe I would have said something like that, to such a lovely man.

I'm ever so sorry but please take that as a lesson to what kind of woman I was to you, and how I held you in my life to walk away after saying something like that to your face. I know I'm a good woman, YOU know I'm a good woman, but what I said face to face or even if I said it in any other way - that's not okay. 

I really wish I would have made a note on my phone of all the things I wanted to say. I've thought about this post for so long and I told you, I've thought about you constantly over the last 9 years, wondering if I would have picked you, how would my life be now? How different would it be? 

I know life would be very different now. I'm older, wiser and more mature. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it? I know I would be happy, and then you went and said you was looking to 'wifey' me, so I most probably would have been happily married by now, and maybe, just maybe - I would have had more children too. I know 12+ years ago I told you I didn't want anymore children, but there was a few times before I turned 25 where I did yearn for another baby, in fact I foolishly tried with my ex, but thank God that NEVER happened. Imagine being tied down to the devil - no thank you! When I turned 26, I very quickly went back to my young adult-hood views of not wanting anymore children. I asked the doctors to sterilise me at 21 because I knew from a young age I didn't want anymore children and I've known for years I'm 100% decided that I don't want anymore children.

You was always such a good guy, a nice guy, the sweetest guy, the most caring guy. Even when I reached out a couple of weeks ago, the way you was so heartwarming and nice to me, we spoke for a few days before you told me how I hurt you so bad. How on earth was you so kind to me, when you had those feelings towards me? I done you so wrong, yet there you was, mr nice guy, being ever so nice to me as always.

I know I shouldn't apologise for other people's behaviour, but I'm also sorry for the abuse you received from that person all those years back too. If I would have known I would have messaged you then and there, I'm so sorry. 

Oh, you, I can't even say your name, or an initial, but I'm so very sorry. For everything, and for blocking you after I promised you I wouldn't run off again. You called it, you know me so well. You told me I'd run, and I did. It's all I've ever done to you, and now it stops, this will be the last time I run from you - I promise.

I'm sorry, but I done it to protect YOU and YOUR relationship. The second you said you had a girlfriend, I should have walked away then, and you know I tried. I said I'm going to delete you, you persuaded me to stay. I stayed talking for a few days because, like you said, we were friends before anything, we could speak as friend's couldn't we? I could stay as a friend couldn't I?

I tried. You know I tried. However, our conversations were deep and meaningful. Words from our hearts. I told you, if I was your girl I'd be so upset if you was messaging someone from your past so deeply the way you were messaging me, the things you was messaging me. You said it was cool, we weren't doing anything wrong. We weren't, but yet we were?

I knew deep down it was wrong, I put the shoe on the other foot and I couldn't stop thinking about your girl. You said you wanted to speak, for answers, yet we was soon speaking about marriage and where our lives could have been if I would have picked you and not him. You said you could ensure me I'd be happy, you said you was looking to wifey me, I said what I said, we said what we said. If I was your girl, that would upset me, it was wrong. 

So that's why I ran, it's why I blocked you on everything, yes its me. It's what I do. I done it to protect you this time though, everything happens for a reason, and I promise you I will never contact you again. 

With that being said, I also want to apologise for what I said about us both when we reach our 40s, please ignore what I said. I got caught up in a mix of emotions during a difficult time, and I know now that again I was leading you on. I don't want what I said to you to play in your mind and have any effect on your relationship. I didn't mean what I said, I really don't know why I said it, I don't want to confuse you or mislead you, I'm so sorry.

I mentioned above, I'm older, wiser and more mature now, and you showed me what kind of man you are capable of being. You gave me attention when you have a girlfriend. I get that you can argue a number of things, we were speaking on friend terms - but you was also getting closure, as you said. You could argue it was me, and in your very own words you were obsessed with me, but still, you shouldn't have given me attention, I think the fact you felt the way you did (obsessed) actually makes it worse that you did speak to me. You shouldn't have asked for my number. I shouldn't have given you it. We shouldn't have been speaking the way we were speaking.

I know we did nothing wrong physically, but when you're hiding stuff from your partner it's wrong. I'm sure you didn't show your girlfriend our conversations right? You know it's wrong. I kept mentioning her because I was feeling for her. So even if there was ever a chance for us again, I'd never trust you, you've shown me just what you're capable of - giving another woman attention when your in a happy relationship. You could argue we were friends when I was with my son's dad and nothing happened, but you know, things changed. Between us changed, we became more than just friends. I finally let you in, only to hurt you so soon after. Don't do a me. Do better, and if you're not happy, don't waste NO one's time, not yours or hers. 

You're the most wonderful, kindest guy, and I wish you nothing but the best. Regardless of if she's the one or not, I know I am NOT the one for you, and I'm so very sorry for everything, for misleading you, for hurting you and for always running back to you, then running away from you. I promise I will never mess with your head again, I'll never contact you again and I'm so very, very sorry for everything. 

Take care, live your bestest life, and never ever stop being you =D

Jada x