I've been talking to a friend for the last week and we got onto the conversation of judgement last night. I've mentioned previously I've been judged, A LOT! I get judged on a daily basis because of my age, not because people know my age, of course many people do, but them stranger's who stare when my child calls me Mummy. They, them strangers, they stare at me with their nosey eyes, you can tell by the look on their faces their baffled, their trying to guess with their small little mind's how old or how young the girl they are staring at is. Not a wrinkle or sag to be seen, and still getting asked for ID in shops, I'm guessing I still have a young face, no one has ever guessed I'm 23, never a day older but always younger.
So I get judged by these strangers, as they continue to stare backwards and forwards from myself to Spud, I can imagine two voices in their head whilst I smile to myself, I smile at my son, bemused at these people who are holding up the que because standing behind the till is the cashier who's called for the next customer twice. I look to the person who's been staring backwards and forwards from me and Spud for the last 6 minutes continuously and politely tell them the checkout is available. Its then that I get another confused stare whilst they mutter thank you, I think I got judged again, was they expecting me to say ''are you waiting in this que for fun or something'' expecting a young female to be sarcastic, rude or for something more inappropriate to come out of my mouth.
Whilst they quickly pick up pace to get to the till, I think of the cashier standing behind it, they have to use judgement every day, people arrive at her checkout and ask for cigarette's, a bottle of cheap vodka & a lottery ticket, that till operator has to use her judgement, do they look old enough to buy such items? Will you offend the person if you ask for ID? I don't mind these judgements though, they are doing their job, they don't want a hefty fine and I wouldn't like that either, they could even loose their job if they served inappropriate items to a minor (someone under the age of 18) and knowing I'm old enough doesn't bother me if they should ask such a question.
Being a Mum from the age of 15 gave me a plan for life, my world now revolves around my son, I carried on with my education I got my grades and now I work in a industry I have a passion for, maybe it's not the dream job I always thought about as a child, but maybe my 'dream' job wasn't meant to be. I'm Christian and I believe God plan's everything for us, if I'm happy in what I'm doing (and I totally am) then why should I think about what the future could of been? I'm living the life I'm currently living and I'm taking it one step at a very small time. I don't know what's around the corner, well according to my horoscopes a new pair of slippers will be making a new home in my home soon, so maybe I'll buy a new pair of slippers, maybe I won't.
I'll go into a shop and I'll judge those many pair's of slippers sat on the over filling shelves, them ones are too granny fied for me I say to myself, them ones are so the 70's and them ones are too big, them ones are too floral, too bright, too hard, I judge, I have to judge, if I didn't I'm pretty sure I'd walk around looking like a big oversized raspberry, I love pink but I couldn't wear pink, it doesn't suit my body shape, give me pink lipstick and pink nail varnish and that's me! Something I don't do, and if any of my family and friends are reading this, they will know the answer already, I don't judge people.
What gives me any right to judge anyone? What gives any one the right to judge me? The answer for both of them questions is NOTHING. Nothing gives me the right to judge and nothing gives no one the right to judge me. Everyone in this world has walked their life journey to date, some not so lucky as other's and some who have never had a reason to smile. I feel sorry for the homeless alcoholics and junkies you see on the streets, scruffy faces and holes in their clothes, you wish you could help, show them another life, show them what potential life can have, but its not that easy, its not easy at all.
To help someone, they have to be ready to help themselves and sadly for so many people, the addiction is already done it's worse, it's too late. The girl stood on the corner in the red light district shouldn't be there, but for her body to get the fix of drugs she needs she has to be stood on that corner, no self respect, no values, no morals. I have pride for myself, I have respect, wisdom, knowledge, values and moral's but that doesn't mean I should look at those people with disgust who don't have the same as me. Them once pretty faces now saggy and off colour, gaunt and skinny, they could of had a good life, was they handed that path or did they step onto the wrong path that wasn't destined for them?
I'm not on no high horse, I've never been on one to step down from one, but I'm guilty because I have gave the odd double stare, I've judged when I was younger & called people names I'm not in no way proud of. I had to grow up quickly, I was 15 when I fell pregnant and 15 when I gave birth, to be the Mother I always hoped to be, I needed to change, it didn't come overnight and I still had setbacks but I'm here today, I'm happy, my son's happy. I don't have social sniffing around me like 50% of teenage mothers and have no reason for them to be involved.
My son is my world, he is the reason why my heart is filled with emotion, love and joy. I stare at his pictures of him whilst he's at school (like now), the premature baby who weighed a tiny 4lb who is now MY perfect boy. I've got him to where he is today, a well behaved, polite and caring little boy. Maybe I pushed that Disney addiction onto him too, dressing him in the cute Mickey Mouse baby outfits had an impact on his obsession I'm sure, but who care's. Children should be children for as long as they can.
My amazing supportive parents, don't blame them for me becoming pregnant so young. I was taught right from wrong, I was taught respect, politeness, values, moral's, knowledge, respect, forgiveness & so much more. I rebelled, ME. I'm not paying for no mistake because my son is my world, I don't know any different, I don't want to know any different. When people say to me don't you regret having him so young, don't you wish you waited till you was older, my answer is NO.
What have I missed out on? Drunken alcoholic fuelled weekends? The all night house parties? The string of many boyfriends most girls of my age has had? (You see I'm judging there, stereo typing girls of my age!) Being broke? Travelling the world? Well I can get a baby sitter and get drunk in a club, I could of had plenty of men In mine and my son's life and I can travel the world with my son. I've not lost nothing, I've gained the most amazing experience in the world, parenthood.
Next time you stick your head up when your in a crowded town and someone tries selling you a big issue, don't judge that person, you don't know what life they've led. They could of once been like you and me, her and you, me and you, do you honestly think they wanted to be the way they are? Of course not. Don't judge no one because you never have and never will have the right too.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend and make sure its a safe one with whatever plans you have!
Jade xx
