Loosing yourself in a vicious online crowd.

Sometimes we see ourself departing away from the real person we really are, it's easy to happen and it can happen to anyone, any of us, me and you included.

I've always said I believe in my own thoughts and if you're a friend of mine on Facebook you'll know I'm not afraid to speak my mind and put my opinion across. I don't dress the same as the latest fashion, I watch The Only Way Is Essex and that is as far as it gets with celebrities, I don't purchase nor read online magazines filled with the latest celebrity news, I don't need to have the in crowd as my friends and the latest technology baffles me, not amazes.

A few months ago, I noticed with a few comments from others, I wasn't my usual self. I got in with the wrong crowd virtually online and I saw myself interacting in online secret verbal insults, although I never started such conversations, I realised I was soon laughing out loud to others insults of innocent people who didn't know what was being said about them.

If I can't personally talk to someone about a problem I may have with them, I don't interact with them, I block them from my online life as much as I possibly can, I don't have no need to visit their blogs and so, I don't need or want to know about these people. However, it's easy to listen to others and soon draw up your own image of these people without even talking to them and getting to know them myself, not fair is it?

Although I didn't call anyone out from our online blogging world, I did sit and listen to someone else insulting people, I regularly used the shortened lol phrase, short for laugh out loud and I did say things I shouldn't of, things I am not proud of. I wasn't trying to impress no one as these conversations were between two people, and no offence but having these people in my life didn't make me happier, it withdrew me even more and cause personal relationships in my real life away from the internet.

I always wondered what had been causing my chronic psoriasis to get so bad, my parents would say to me something must be stressing me out, although I have issues with my housing and confidence, I always dismissed me being stressed, until I had a near enough break down, full on Britney Spears style ready to cut myself away from anyone and everyone, the blog included.

My psoriasis is the worse it's ever been, it keeps me awake, it stops me from attending events and social functions, I have to wear gloves to prepare my own food along with my sons, it drives me up the wall - literally! I stand against the brick wall outside my home and scrape my skin against it for some relief, relief from the constant and irritating itching. My body is sore and weak, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I'm tired of trying to remain myself from scratching away at my already sore and damaged skin, I bleed, it stings, I scratch, I scar.

I had been diagnosed with chronic psoriasis at the beginning of this year, it had considerably got a lot worse during the previous year or so. I sat down with doctors amazed at how bad my skin was, although not the worse they'd seen, it was the worse they'd seen for someone of my age. Treatments of all sorts was failing to work, tropical treatments, steroids and tablets failed to make a major difference with moisturising creams just giving a tiny little impact away. I sat down with specialist who tried to work out what was happening, what was going on to cause such a severe and bad outbreak, the answer was stress.

I told them I blogged, and I wrote, I told them about my Facebook rants and told them I had felt a lot more angry with people in general, did I blame my psoriasis for this they asked? No was my reply, then I realised it was because of these people that my psoriasis was so bad.

I knew things about strangers, I knew about their relationships, the emails they received, the conversations they had, the type of homes they had and I had no or little contact with these people. I listened and read insult after insult, backstabbing and hurtful to the victim who knew nothing about the conversations, I would read links to blogs I had been sent, and started noticing things I would never usually notice, dirt on the cooker, the state of the walls, the clothes the children was wearing. I laughed out loud at people's blog post, and their blogs, their tweets, their homes, them. I had no right to, I never will, I'm not a bully and before this "friendship" I was never like that.

Close friends and family members noticed a new me, I didn't. I would be out, anywhere, a park or a supermarket, in town or on the bus, and I would stare at people, looking for imperfections because this was the life I had started to lead. I made my decision long before Britmums, but I waited until after to have my clear out, knowing things we're going to be awkward as it was, I wanted Britmums to be as smooth as possible. Looking back, things wouldn't of made a difference no matter the time I made the change, the change back to the old me.

I stared at these people who are the same as me, all living a different life from different backgrounds and homes, who write as a passion and/or living, some I had never spoken to but I knew a lot about them. Some thing's we're told to others in confidence, but I knew, along with others these peoples secrets. I never felt so alone, I've never had a panic attack, and I don't know what one feels like, but something happened that weekend of Britmums, I realised more then ever what a total monster I had let myself become due to others influences.

I bumped into the lovely Laura and told her how I was feeling, I had never felt so alone and it was all my fault. I got caught up in a nasty and vicious circle, I however couldn't be two faced like these others in mention, I couldn't laugh at people's homes and lives and talk so friendly to them to their faces, so I didn't make no contact at all, just a few weeks before Britmums, I was sent a link to their blogs and I laughed at something I had no right to, how could I go and smooch with these people after knowing what I had done? This isn't me, and if I didn't make contact, it isn't necessarily because of this reason, as there seemed to be a select group of people who was the victim of the nasty group.

I was messaged just a few days before Britmums and was warned of what I was telling a certain person because she was running all my business, people, strangers, people I had never heard of, knew about my personal life, the problems I had, the items I spent my last bit of money on, they knew everything. I should of known though shouldn't I? After all I knew a lot about others, who were deemed close friends of the accused, I still know it all now, I've kept all the conversations but I've not done nothing with them. I'm not a little school girl and I'm not going to run and tell people to befriend people because of my turnaround.

I would however tell everyone to be careful what you say to people, your business and personal life stories are not safe, I know about arguments, financial decisions and I knew the news before it broke on your blogs. There's one thing I wish I knew sooner, if I was getting told personal information about said close friends and I was an apparent said close friend, it should of been easy to guess that if their business was being blurted out, then mine was most probably being blurted out too!

I believed some of the loveliest people you could meet were bullies, I believed they was horrible nasty people, just because I let someone else voice opinions for me. I did stick up for a few people, the most recent one before my clear out was one of my closest blogging friends Hayley, I've gone on to tell Hayley what had happened because I want to fix them mistakes I made. I really want to tell another lovely about the things that was discussed about her, but it's so awkward and hard, some things that was said are really nasty, and I know it would really upset her.

Although I didn't throw these insults I did reply with OMG, wow and lol, I didn't stop the secret bullying, I didn't stand up for people who had no chance to stand up for themselves. This person is a fellow young mother like me, who does excellently well, I am so proud of her and I'm sorry for not standing up for her, I'm sorry for writing lol so many times instead of saying that's not very nice.

Last week I started my treatment, I've only managed a whopping 18 seconds in that mean machine at the hospital so far, and I've only had three sessions (one at 13 seconds and two at 18 seconds), so progress is going to be small. However by cutting these vile bullies out of my life, I'm a much happier person, I'm myself again, I'm the Jada I was before I got involved with these people, and my psoriasis is gradually getting better.

I'm scarred for life because of the vicious circle I participated in. I made my skin worse because of the stress it was causing me, and this went on for a little over 12 months. I wish I got out of it sooner, I wish I had not been so stupid and stuck to the way I was brought up.

My parents aren't rich, they don't own their own houses, but they done the best they possibly could. My parents would never sit there and slag people off infront of me, or on the phone to me, or insult other people's blogs. My parents have not raised me to be that person because they are not them people themselves. My parents brought me up with values, morals, manors, dignity and respect.

I'm ashamed of the person I become, I'm ashamed to of let my beliefs leave me, all for the sake of a few very stupid and immature laughs. Now I feel like I can't interact with these people because it's eating away at me inside for laughing at them in someway or another. I think I've paid my price and I'm glad with help I realised the faults before it was too late.

I've lost friendships, but honestly, I've gained - not lost! I've gained more wisdom and knowledge, I've learned another life lesson, I've taught myself why I am the way I am. I was brought up by loving and respectful parents who didn't raise me to become that person I did for them 16-18 months.

I had my clear out in June and since then I have been more content and happy with myself. I think and dwell on things too much, and even though these innocent people have no idea of what was spoken about behind their backs, the guilt eats away at me inside.

I hope one day, I can say sorry to these people in some-way or another. I should of walked away the minute that rubbish started, I'm sorry.

I know this is going to cause anger and upset, please do comment with your thoughts, I want to address this issue in the way I know best, the way I was brought up to address problems and that's by speaking, to people personally, not behind their backs.

Jada x

17 comments

  1. Well done Jada for writing this, for standing up for what you believe in, and for doing everything you can to step away from it all, put things right and be yourself again.

    You are a very honest person, you are a very "Take me or leave me" person and that's GREAT....You don't sugar coat things but people know where they stand with you, and that's the type of person I admire.

    It absolutely saddens me that some people are so incapable of growing up and leaving this BS in the playground where it belongs.

    I struggled so much with nasty bullies at school, and I joined the blogging community with no idea that the same sorts of vicious bullies linger here too.

    It almost makes you want to back away but then you realise that its those people who are in the wrong and those people who deserve nothing but pity.

    How awful must their own lives be that they so desperately need to lose themselves in other peoples? How sad for them that they have to entertain themselves with other peoples problems and gossip.

    Bullies are lonely, miserable people....whether they realise it or not....and a lot of "women" in this community need to take a long hard look at themselves and realise what they are. And change it, before its too late.

    Because it's true what they say.....bullies never prosper and the hate you pour out onto others always comes back to bite you in the arse in the end.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Hayley, your comment is very welcoming and lovely to read! You're one of the few people who really know me I feel and I thank you for our friendship!

      I too never thought the blogging world would be like this, and fortunately, there are many who aren't like this, but you do have the odd few who have to find a fault no matter how small in everyone else.

      Looking back now, it disgust me that I ever listened to the rubbish I was reading, I wish I walked away from the said person the minute had started. I won't be showing no one, or telling anyone that was said, and the next time I'm feeling awful, I'll read the messages and appreciate the person I really am!

      Ly xxx

      Delete
  2. Bless you hunny - It is so easy sometimes to follow the crowd and go along with the rubbish they spout for an easy life and to be liked BUT you've stepped away and it shows how mature you are.

    If they have nothing better to do that laugh at dirt on someone's cooker then their lives must be SO perfect - hell my cooker is dirty and my floor unwashed but my kids are happy and loved and have fun with their Mummy instead - that matters more to me personally.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello lovely, thank you for reading the post and leaving a comment, it is very easy to get stuck in and I cant be more ashamed for letting myself do so.

      Talking to other's who have had the same dealings and people who can see through them has been more of an eye opener. This week has took a lot of stress away from me, and although the scars from the stress causing the worse outbreak of psoriasis I've ever had will always remain with me, at least I am free from the viciousness that surrounded me every day!

      Oh of course, their lives are perfect, but they forget what I know, and believe me, they're far from it! They may have clean and tidy homes but they should concentrate on other daily task and use their cooker properly! xx

      Delete
  3. I think it's really easy to get caught up in the online world when you spend so much time in / around it and it is easy to get caught up with a group of people. I too have been in a similar situation within the blogging community but I like you have come out the other side as the person I was before - it took sometime for me to get back to who I really was but I am happier now that I am away from it all x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Louise, thank you for reading the post and leaving a comment :)

      It really is and I'm so glad of all the messages of support I've received letting me know I'm not alone. I have been feeling inhuman for the last couple of months and imagined I was the only horrible person who must of allowed myself to lose my view's and opinions because of someone else!

      I'm glad you're feeling a much happier person, and that you have managed to come away from it! I'm still in the guilt stage at the moment, I am just hoping that in time, I'll be able to look back at this as one big mistake xx

      Delete
  4. You are such a great writer Jada. I was with you on every sentence of this post. Have to say though I did once post a pic of a dirty cooker and I didn't realise anyone would zoom in and notice. This post does not surprise me as at times I find the blogging community a very lonely and isolating place. Xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello lovely, oh wow, thank you L, that mean's a lot for me to read such a lovely compliment from you! I can only remember the one cooker incident, it wasn't you so please don't worry! We should never have to clean for other people though should we? We shouldn't have to go around and inspect our homes before we pull out the camera!

      I am sadly starting to get to realise the darker side of the blogging community, it seems worse then real life too sadly! :( xx

      Delete
    2. 100% worse than real life. I am so glad you are delving into the emotional aspect of psoriasis. My Gran got it due to grief upon my Grandad's death. Homeopathy may help xx

      Delete
    3. Thank you Attachment Mummy x

      Delete

  5. I really admire you for putting this out there and being open and honest. It's so easy to get caught up in it all, I got caught up in it too. It became normal and I didn't even realise until I took a step back.

    Having been friends with one of the people in question and then being on the receiving end of their abuse and slanderous comments I can appreciate how horrible it is to have someone talking about you in a negative way and having no way of defending yourself.

    At first I was devastated that people might believe the things they were saying and it caused me a huge amount of anxiety but eventually I realised that once people got to know me themselves they would see what was being said was lies. Thankfully I was right and people (including you) have seen that what was said wasn't true.

    I'm so glad to be out of it all, I actually recently cleared the air with this person so I could put the past in the past (where it belongs).

    It's a shame that the whole situation happened and but I'm glad you and I became friends out of it :)

    Don't beat yourself up over it, you're human and it's human nature to trust and believe the people who are supposed to be your friend.

    Time to go forward with a smile on your face as the people that matter know you're a lovely person. You are one of the first people I ask for help with anything blogging related as you are always happy to help and never ask for anything in return. x

    ReplyDelete
  6. Jada, I have always admired your 'say it how it is' attitude. Since I started blogging I have noticed so many people use what I would call playground tactics. Sadly at the beginning I may have even joined in. But I quickly realised that wasn't for me! It's so easy to get caught up in online communities, where people hide behind their computers. You've done the right thing for coming out of the other side. I hope your psoriasis treatment works and you feel better soon. Xx

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have always told you Jade "Trust no one", you are still very young and a little naive it some ways, and are still learning and finding your way.It reminds me of when I worked in a school with teachers and could not believe the horrible back stabbing and the way they talked about the children was disgusting. As a result of the things I witnessed I left that school never to return to education again. Did it shock me, yes it did, but then I thought about it long and hard then it hit this is human nature as its worst, these professional people who are supposed to have a duty of care to every child in the school were not just passing a sarcastic comment, they were being very personal and very nasty about certain children through no fault of their own .Maybe they were not the best l dressed or cleanest, but the fault lays at the parents hands not the childs.
    I have always took the attitude ,god help the first person who walks away, that's because she will be talked about within seconds.
    You have been caught up with what seems to be a very shallow minded bunch of people, who you now know were horrible and you have in some way maybe been a little guilty of participating in some way or maybe in agreement with some online banta. All I can say Jade is you are my daughter and you do have a good heart, your only fault in my mind is being too open with your life, however everyone has secrets and no one has a perfect life, let her who is without sin cast the first stone springs to mind.
    People will always run you as it is human nature, I'm glad you have come to the conclusion you do not need these people in your life, keep your friends close & your enemies even closer. I'm so proud of you. Love mum

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh Jade, what a pathetic bunch of individuals! How tragic that people have nothing better to do with their time than gossip about others. Well done you for walking away. I would urge you to name names (for my own peace of mind I want to be sure I don't speak to them!), but I'm not sure what benefit that would really have, and of course lowers you to their level.

    I've been blogging 2.5 years now and I know at most a dozen people I could chat to in real life. I personally think blogging is a horrible cliquey little world. People defend it by saying that they only talk to their friends, but I live by the tenet that strangers are just people you haven't met yet. And I certainly don't think there's any need for rudeness!

    At most events the only people that speak to me are Steve and the girls! I approach people to say 'hello, are you...?' and either get a couple of grunts in return or am completely ignored. Indeed people have literally turned their backs, and I've lost count of the number of times I've smiled at someone, only to be met with a stony stare. I'm just as friendly at blog events as I am in 'real life', I'm afraid I'm the talk to the old ladies at bus stops type! But apparently rudeness is de rigeuer amongst many bloggers, unless they already 'know' you.

    The worst I've had was at BritMums this year where I went to sit in a chair outside in order to breastfeed Tatiana, and was told in no uncertain terms that I couldn't sit with a certain group of bloggers. We opted to perch at the end of the platform, on the floor, away from everyone else, obviously my face definitely didn't fit there! I will admit I had tears in my eyes, as there was absolutely no need for such rudeness and unkindness.

    Ultimately, I am happy with my life (dirty floors and all!), adore my wild children, and think I'm doing bloody well with my blog come business. But do I wish people were nicer, kinder, friendlier? Yes. But unfortunately, like your mum says above, human nature seems to make a large proportion of people in the western, capitalist world bitchy and unpleasant. And a lot of those are female. Nothing better to do? Maybe. Jealous of other's lives? Maybe. Worried about their own social status? Maybe.

    But the tenet of 'do as you would be done by' is a good one to live by. We raise our girls to never comment on people's appearance, to not criticise others, and to always be friendly and kind, even to strangers. It's a shame many adults don't remember the same!

    ReplyDelete
  9. awww Jada this totally made me cry! .. I think you are a very brave lady to not only make the choice to step away from a vile and vicious person/group but also for laying your heart bare and for putting your heart out there.

    well done you!

    ReplyDelete

  10. Jada, it is a brave and sad post at the same time. I am glad you realised the emptiness of the so called blogger friend. I just wanted to say that there is a group called Arnica on FB which is all about natural remedies and alternative treatments, it is worth joining in and asking advice on how to cure your psoriasis

    ReplyDelete