I'm sorry M, sorry for too much, sorry that I couldn't even tell you to your face and sorry for so much more. You was the boy I could take back home, the one I could introduce to the family & know your get on well with everyone, have football banter with my Dad and Brothers, but as your a Arsenal fan, you'd have to of been prepared for the most serious banter mind you. You've met Spud so many times, willing to teach him football and so much more, I never have and never will look for a Daddy for Spud, he's got his Father, he knows who he is even if he doesn't bother as much as I like and as much as you think he should. It was good to know that you was willing to be there for both of us.
You was, you still are the best one when I look back. We met back in 2006, at college, I always remember the cute smile you had and still do have, the way you'd smile at me and instantly I'd want to smile back. We spoke on a daily basis, only as friends and strictly, I was with Spud's Dad and you always respected me for that, never asking to meet up in secret, nothing like that at all. I can't remember the first time you admitted you liked me, I do however know I was surprised, we was friends, I told you the deepest secrets some of my girls of years don't even know, you never judged, you never got mad, you just listened.
We've been the same for years me and you, we start speaking, then I and only myself gets mad, I get angry, I snap and I leave you alone for ages, frustrated, annoyed, stupidly not wanting to speak to you. You use to come back, you'd give me time to cool down then you'd come back, always remembering and never forgetting, taking time to ask how I was, forgetting the situation until the time was right. We've met up, we've gone on dates, and you've never once tried to sleep with me, you respected me in every way possible. Looking back now, looking back at all the opportunities you've had, the times we've been alone, all you'd want was a cuddle and a kiss, my friends told me you was perfect, why didn't I listen!?
I enjoyed the cuddles, the kisses on the head and the falling asleep in your arms. We would be so fine, we'd start talking, we would get close again and then bam, I'm mad again, with a click of a finger, that was all it took. It was always me, I know that now, I blamed you, you'd wind me up, your annoying me I'd say, but looking back, I wasn't ready, it wasn't the right time. I wish I would of known then, I wish I could be at peace now, I sit and wonder if you would be here now, watching me write a post, only the post wouldn't be on you. I moaned you was too quiet, but I moaned about the bad boys, you don't drink, you don't smoke, your you, Mr W.
Day after day and night after night, you pop into my head, I can't erase it, I can't get rid of you, no matter how much I try. Its like, I've realised what I've lost... I suppose you could say I have issues, it took me along time to get over the ex as you know, I was always honest with you, always, but still, you was always there, always, apart from now. I could never of imagined us together, we're just different me and you, your quiet and not known at all, your not loud like me, a drinker, a smoker if so be it a social one at that, your just you. You more then anyone know I have trust issues, I've been hurt twice in similar circumstances, I was scared to give you my heart and all, scared I couldn't take any more pain.
Last year, we stopped talking again, only this time you didn't come back and I don't blame you, you moved on, you found yourself a girlfriend, instantly I didn't like her, because she had you, the man who wanted me for so many years, the man who I knocked back for so long. I don't know why, its not that I don't want you, its not that I do want you, but its not that I don't want anyone else to have you. I don't know what it is about you, you've got a secret hold on me, when I need someone to talk too, your the first person I'd want to come too, I know you'd be there for me 24/7, I know you'd listen. If I was upset and needed a cuddle, I know you'd take me into your strong arms and give me one of your strong but sensitive cuddles. They say there's always that one person who will always have your heart, your never see it coming cause your blinded from the start, that was my case, blinded, misguided and plain stupid. I know I let the best person I could of ever met slip, not once, twice or three times, but too many times.
I've lost you and I'm gutted, why should you of waited for me, I still don't know what I want now, it wasn't fair on you. I know your be reading this, because as soon as I hit the publish button I'm sending the link to you, just know, like all the times you was there for me in the past, I'll be here for you, through the ups and downs I'm here. Maybe not as strong as you, maybe not as tall, maybe not as smiley, but I'm here, Jade's here. You are one of the few boys who can call me Jade and I don't mind, one of the few boys who can wind me up something rotten and then tell me you was joking, only for us to laugh and cuddle, the only boy I truly feel safe with, the one I can be myself with and share all my dreams and secrets with.
When I met you, I felt like I could be myself, you showed me loving like no body else, now I know the choice I should of made, should of been with you but what else can I say. He may of had what I wanted, but your the one I needed. When that time comes, from the bottom of my heart, I will make a change, I swear I won't put no one else before you this time, I wanna make a brand new start, so please don't walk away, I'm not in love with him, and all that matters is you.
Take care Mr M W,